Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
