Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
