soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
