now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Just pee around me
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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