last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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