so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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