i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
