Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize