I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he thought i was a dude.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
