My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
