I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
