You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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