you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize