When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
