Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
