I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Fuck appropriateness.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
