I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
