Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
