Someone shit on the floor
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize