the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
This beer is not sobering me up at all
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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