My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
