Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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