you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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