I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
