u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
