i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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