woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
