im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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