I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
My dick has a subreddit
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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