so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
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