I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
