I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
