I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
