I feel like abortions should bother me more
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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