I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize