my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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