we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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