help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
