They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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