My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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