If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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