Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
