Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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