if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
