Banned from zoo.
Again?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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