you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Dicks are not precious.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
