Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
