She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Shame - the story of my life.
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