I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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