I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
