I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
