That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I met the friendliest cop last night
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
