why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize