if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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